Wow, its been forever since I've written! Well I wish I had this wonderful love story to share with you...but everytime I thought I got close to being able to share one, life took another twist.
Mr. Chicago:
We went out 2 more times. And seriously, like wow in terms of being able to just kick back and laugh and flirt with someone. Every conversation was fun and I was really getting excited about this guy! And then before I left for a nice long vacation, he tells me he wants us to see each other more often if this is going to go somewhere...that he's going to miss me when I'm gone and to stay in touch. So I stay in touch....and he disappears! Shazaam! Just gone. Never to be heard from again. In retrospect, his surgeon "I am God" attitude, combined with his vulgar language, may have been much to handle in the long run. So I have to keep believing that things happen for a reason and someone better is out there for me.
Enter Mr. Detroit:
We had been talking for a little while and then we finally met up in January, he flew out to come meet me and we spent a nice day in NY together followed by dinner the night after. We both had a good time and we texted and talked everyday after that. He was the "nice guy", the one I needed to fall for and end up with...the one where everything was going to be happily ever after. Sometimes I felt like we didnt really get each other but I figured let me give it time. He wasn't finding everything cute about me the way people do when they first meet you, but I figured let me give it time. I went out to see him and we spent a weekend together, overall having a pretty good time. He really took care of me when I was there and it was no doubts fun. Every now and then he would mention things about us in the future and it was nice. Well, here's the kicker. Cause with everyone I meet, there always seems to be one. He has depression. Been dealing with it for years. He sees a therapist on and off and at times it has gotten really really bad. He mentioned maybe he shouldn't be in a relationship right now because he has some deep issues he needs to deal with. And then tonight, during another "down" day, he said it again...that even his therapist has mentioned to him over the years that he may not be ready for relationships. He said he knew he wasnt being fair to me and not giving me what he should be....and so tonight, that too ended. Part of me was trying super hard to make it work....but I have to say, there is some relief in that its over. I kept wondering what life with him would be like, and would I be able to deal with him if he became suicidal. I knew I would live with that fear everyday. I didnt know how bad his depression really was....but after talking to him tonight, I know its not where I want to be, nor is he in a place in his life where he can truly love someone. He said he's tried before and even in a relationship, he's felt lonely. I am proud of him for realizing that he needed to figure things out in his life. And I am proud of me for not trying to convince him otherwise or for holding onto something out of desperation.
So here I am. Alone again. Going to have to start going through the profiles, one after another. Hoping to come by one that works, or one I can make work. I just want something to work. As you can see, I am willing to try at this point in my life with anyone that seems decent (well, there's gotta be some basis there for it!) But seriously, after a guy who tells me he's a cancer survivor, another one that literally played with my emotions and this third one that had depression.....can't I get a break??! As relieved as I am to be free of Mr. Detroit, I'm scared out of my mind of being alone.....
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Sunday, October 11, 2009
1+3+1
1+3+1 = 5. That is how many guys I met last week. Yes, you could say I am definitely on a mission here. Something has got to work out somewhere, right?! Ok, so here's how it went:
1
I had met this one guy online years ago. I think we were both pretty new to the online thing and therefore pretty adamant about what we wanted and what we weren't willing to compromise on. I think I scarred him because when we figured out neither of us was going to budge, he went and updated his profile online to reflect things we'd talked about :) Outside of that, we did get along so we kept in touch and every year or so would drop each other a line to catch up. Two and a half years ago he was at a conference in the city I was living in and so we met up for dinner...all that time had passed and we'd never met! I don't think there were really any sparks and that was that. Fast forward to last week. I was going to be in a town near Chicago for work (he lives in Chicago) and on Tuesday we decided to meet up again, grab a drink and catch up. I was a good 90 minutes from where he lived and he came out to see me. Nice. When he picked me up, I literally was like wow - you are so cute (he had less facial hair so that I could actually see his face this time!) There wasn't much to do near my hotel so we went to a TGIF to get drinks...and ended up hanging out for 3 hours until they closed the place down. I can't remember the last time I laughed so much. Maybe because this was a non-date and there was no pressure things were just really nice. Maybe it was because we already kind of knew each other. He ended up staying twice as long as he had initially planned. When he dropped me off at my hotel, I felt like the hug lingered just a little bit :) I wish we could have hung out longer....and I texted him just that at the very same time that he was calling me. Cute :) We talked his entire drive back. And the last few days we've been texting and talking on and off. For once in my life, I am going to try and just let this evolve...because I have to be honest, I am hoping it will. I'd at least like to see if there's something here...
+3
I met 3 guys on Friday. I've done two before but this was a first! I was in NY and that's probably the only place in this country where something like this can get pulled off! I had told each guy in advance that I had to meet friends for drinks about an hour after I was meeting them. The first guy physcially was not what I was expecting and he looked a lot older than me. As soon as he saw me he told me I looked nice. Then while we were sitting he says to me you have these moles on your face. I point to the one under my lip and said are you referring to this? He asks me if I understood Urdu (which I don't) and he starts quoting a ghazal about how a mole enhances a woman's beauty. Haha :) Okay cute, but I didn't really know how to respond to that. Then he tells me as I'm leaving that he'd like to see me again the following week. Outside of not being phsyically attracted to him, he also has a job which has him on the east coast 10 days of every month, on the west coast 10 days of every month and the other 10 days traveling within the US or internationally. Not exactly the kind of relationship I want to be in. The second guy was so cute - he reminded me of a nerdy character that Rhithik Roshan has played in some of his movies. This guy really had a handsome face, glasses, and his suit pants were just a little short so that you could see his white socks as he was walking. He's been in the U.S. for about 10 years. Conversation was okay. He told me he'd like to meet up again and then texted me the day after we met...let's see. The third guy was tall and skinny with very little hair left (which I dont mind, I actually find some bald men very attractive), and the easiest to talk to of the three. I realize more and more that I am trying to be so open to guys from India that have been here for 10 years but the guys I instantly connect to are the ones that are like me and grew up here, we just have so much more in common. Anyway, while conversation was fine I don't think I'm going to hear from this guy again. As I left the last date, not feeling like any one of them was "wow", I texted #1 (Mr. Chicago) from above to ask if he was busy. He called me instantly and we spent the next hour on the phone :)
+1
I met another guy on Saturday for lunch. Lunch was actually quite nice. Afterwards we walked around for awhile and walked through this ivy league's college campus. The campus was beautiful and during our walk there were really long silences. It wasn't uncomfortable, but there wasn't that instant 'spark' of chatter that I've had with others before. He suggested we should try and meet up again in 2 weeks, and yes, this guy I would want to see again.
One of my friends has drilled it into my head that its all a numbers game - put yourself out there and meet tons of people, one of them will work out. So....here goes....wish me luck!
1
I had met this one guy online years ago. I think we were both pretty new to the online thing and therefore pretty adamant about what we wanted and what we weren't willing to compromise on. I think I scarred him because when we figured out neither of us was going to budge, he went and updated his profile online to reflect things we'd talked about :) Outside of that, we did get along so we kept in touch and every year or so would drop each other a line to catch up. Two and a half years ago he was at a conference in the city I was living in and so we met up for dinner...all that time had passed and we'd never met! I don't think there were really any sparks and that was that. Fast forward to last week. I was going to be in a town near Chicago for work (he lives in Chicago) and on Tuesday we decided to meet up again, grab a drink and catch up. I was a good 90 minutes from where he lived and he came out to see me. Nice. When he picked me up, I literally was like wow - you are so cute (he had less facial hair so that I could actually see his face this time!) There wasn't much to do near my hotel so we went to a TGIF to get drinks...and ended up hanging out for 3 hours until they closed the place down. I can't remember the last time I laughed so much. Maybe because this was a non-date and there was no pressure things were just really nice. Maybe it was because we already kind of knew each other. He ended up staying twice as long as he had initially planned. When he dropped me off at my hotel, I felt like the hug lingered just a little bit :) I wish we could have hung out longer....and I texted him just that at the very same time that he was calling me. Cute :) We talked his entire drive back. And the last few days we've been texting and talking on and off. For once in my life, I am going to try and just let this evolve...because I have to be honest, I am hoping it will. I'd at least like to see if there's something here...
+3
I met 3 guys on Friday. I've done two before but this was a first! I was in NY and that's probably the only place in this country where something like this can get pulled off! I had told each guy in advance that I had to meet friends for drinks about an hour after I was meeting them. The first guy physcially was not what I was expecting and he looked a lot older than me. As soon as he saw me he told me I looked nice. Then while we were sitting he says to me you have these moles on your face. I point to the one under my lip and said are you referring to this? He asks me if I understood Urdu (which I don't) and he starts quoting a ghazal about how a mole enhances a woman's beauty. Haha :) Okay cute, but I didn't really know how to respond to that. Then he tells me as I'm leaving that he'd like to see me again the following week. Outside of not being phsyically attracted to him, he also has a job which has him on the east coast 10 days of every month, on the west coast 10 days of every month and the other 10 days traveling within the US or internationally. Not exactly the kind of relationship I want to be in. The second guy was so cute - he reminded me of a nerdy character that Rhithik Roshan has played in some of his movies. This guy really had a handsome face, glasses, and his suit pants were just a little short so that you could see his white socks as he was walking. He's been in the U.S. for about 10 years. Conversation was okay. He told me he'd like to meet up again and then texted me the day after we met...let's see. The third guy was tall and skinny with very little hair left (which I dont mind, I actually find some bald men very attractive), and the easiest to talk to of the three. I realize more and more that I am trying to be so open to guys from India that have been here for 10 years but the guys I instantly connect to are the ones that are like me and grew up here, we just have so much more in common. Anyway, while conversation was fine I don't think I'm going to hear from this guy again. As I left the last date, not feeling like any one of them was "wow", I texted #1 (Mr. Chicago) from above to ask if he was busy. He called me instantly and we spent the next hour on the phone :)
+1
I met another guy on Saturday for lunch. Lunch was actually quite nice. Afterwards we walked around for awhile and walked through this ivy league's college campus. The campus was beautiful and during our walk there were really long silences. It wasn't uncomfortable, but there wasn't that instant 'spark' of chatter that I've had with others before. He suggested we should try and meet up again in 2 weeks, and yes, this guy I would want to see again.
One of my friends has drilled it into my head that its all a numbers game - put yourself out there and meet tons of people, one of them will work out. So....here goes....wish me luck!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Brooklyn Update
I've had two more dates with Brooklyn. The second one we met for dinner and then went to see a movie. The third one was another dinner date followed by a quick shopping excursion he came with me on to pick up a gift for a friend's baby.
On our first date I had mentioned that I wasn't sure if there was a lot of chemistry. By our second date I was still questioning it but keeping an open mind, hoping something would spark. On our third date, I was sure it wasn't there.
I'm not just talking about physical chemistry, I mean our personalities clicking as well. I found Brooklyn to be very rude in the way he talked to me at times and especially did not appreciate his tone when he would (constantly) accuse me of not being able to get together more often (which he apologized for multiple times later when I pointed out that he had told me he was busy every weekend in the month of August and on certain week nights). He also pointed out that he was busy before he met me and is still a busy guy, which in my opinion is not showing a lot of seriousness if you can't spend any weekends together. As my sister-in-law pointed out, if two people really like each other, they are going to want to spend all of their time together and will make and find the time to do it. That was obviously missing here.
Over our last dinner he mentioned how confrontational he can be at times. Hmm, yeah, seen that and honestly its not my thing. When we were in the baby store and he was looking at baby outfits with me, I didn't even get that little tug of the heart thinking how cute it was shopping for baby clothes that I am sure I would have gotten with someone I was really interested in. A few days later as we were talking on the phone he told me that he was actually quite "ghetto" and found himself holding back a lot with me. I was like really? More ghetto then what I've seen and he was like you've seen nothing! Yikes.
So bottom line, overall not a match. And you want to know something? I actually feel relieved this one is over. Phew.
On our first date I had mentioned that I wasn't sure if there was a lot of chemistry. By our second date I was still questioning it but keeping an open mind, hoping something would spark. On our third date, I was sure it wasn't there.
I'm not just talking about physical chemistry, I mean our personalities clicking as well. I found Brooklyn to be very rude in the way he talked to me at times and especially did not appreciate his tone when he would (constantly) accuse me of not being able to get together more often (which he apologized for multiple times later when I pointed out that he had told me he was busy every weekend in the month of August and on certain week nights). He also pointed out that he was busy before he met me and is still a busy guy, which in my opinion is not showing a lot of seriousness if you can't spend any weekends together. As my sister-in-law pointed out, if two people really like each other, they are going to want to spend all of their time together and will make and find the time to do it. That was obviously missing here.
Over our last dinner he mentioned how confrontational he can be at times. Hmm, yeah, seen that and honestly its not my thing. When we were in the baby store and he was looking at baby outfits with me, I didn't even get that little tug of the heart thinking how cute it was shopping for baby clothes that I am sure I would have gotten with someone I was really interested in. A few days later as we were talking on the phone he told me that he was actually quite "ghetto" and found himself holding back a lot with me. I was like really? More ghetto then what I've seen and he was like you've seen nothing! Yikes.
So bottom line, overall not a match. And you want to know something? I actually feel relieved this one is over. Phew.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Date With Brooklyn
Brooklyn is a guy I technically met 2 years ago online. We chatted a few times (on chat, not the phone) and things didnt seem to really click and it never went anywhere. Recently we got back in touch and started talking on the phone...our first conversation actually ended up being really good and for the following days we emailed each other continuously from work and talked at night. In just a few days we discovered that I liked to have lighthearted chatter with someone initially and he liked to get into some serious conversations. When I brought this up, that we hadn't even met each other and I didn't want to invest so much into someone I never even met, he said fine, no more serious stuff. He def. tried and it was cute :) I don't think we always get each other which is sometimes frustrating, but we're both trying. On his side, he kept saying I was this girl that acted all tough but he was betting inside I was just this big softie. He works just 10 miles from me and was telling me how he had debated just showing up outside my office with 2 cups of coffee in the afternoon and telling me to come outside. Cute :)
So we finally had our first date. According to Brooklyn this was just a "meeting" since he doesn't ask a girl on a date until he's at least met her. Fine, call it what you want! He quickly discovered I enjoyed wining & dining...and made it clear to me that that is not how he is. I said that's fine, I'm open to new experiences :) Then he spends all this time to find a nice restaurant in NJ to meet me at :) I thought going to NY would be more fun (I know, I know!) and he asks me if I've ever walked across the Brooklyn Bridge. I hadn't...and in my mind I was liking the sound of how romantic that could be!
I took the train into NY but told him I had a curfew of 1:30am which was the last train back :) When the conductor said "hey pretty lady" to me when he came by to get my ticket, I was feeling it was going to be a good night! Maybe I'm just feeling more confident these days and its apparent in the way I carry myself - I definetly have noticed a difference in how I feel and people's reactions to me.
As I got off the train and was walking towards him and his car, I noticed he was tall. As I got closer and saw his face, I thought to myself "he's cute!". What a relief! :) He was bigger than I had thought but he was cute so I decided to see how things went. We immediately continued to have the ease of conversation in person that we had in the car and he even commented on how easily it transitioned, like this wasn't the first time we were meeting. I def. felt some attraction from both our sides. He looks at me and says you're a total girly girl aren't you? I laughed and said not at all, but sometimes I like to be.
We had dinner at this restaurant in the village and sat outside. I can always tell if a guy is interested because he'll order vegetarian food with me so we can share. Brooklyn ordered Salmon. BUT as he was eating he realized it probably bothered me and felt bad and said he should have ordered something else. Okay, the fact that he even said something was sweet. Then he was like can I give you a compliment? I just looked at him and said I don't know, I dont take them very well :) He was like yeah, I noticed that on the phone. He tells me I look a lot younger than my age. Now that I can hear and smile about - what woman doesn't want to hear that! Then he tells me that I'm very attractive. At one point some guy tells the hostess she's very pretty and Brooklyn looks at me and says oh, I thought he was talking to you! I just gave him this look and he starts laughing and says what, you didnt like that? :)
We end up hanging out at the restaurant for awhile...because our waiter never comes by with the check! We even considered just getting up and leaving at one point! :) He tells me that I was quieter in person and that he felt like he was doing a lot of the talking (which I tried to change after he said that). I just looked at him and he's like damn, your eyes are piercing when you look at someone. Haha! I was talking...and observing. Brooklyn grew up in...Brooklyn. So he does have a little of that Brooklyn attitude and way of talking. Never gone out with anyone like that before. And for anyone that watches General Hospital - he went to high school in Bensenhurst! I didnt even know that was a real place :) I let him know that was where my gangster was from in my favorite soap :) Also as we sat over dinner it was bothering me a little that he was a little on the bigger side, esp. in his face. By no means is he huge, he's a 6 feet guy with some extra weight.
Anyway, then we went for drinks. As we're talking he starts laughing and tells me I have the voice of a little girl. I was like what?! He tells me he thinks its cute though. Great! I couldn't really finish my drink as I was starting to get sleepy. We realize that we'd have to skip the Brooklyn Bridge if I wanted to catch my train. I really wanted to go, as did he, so we're both like fine, we'll figure it out. I told him I thought there was a 6am train I could catch and he said he wasn't going to let me wait by myself in the train station until 6am and if anything he'd drive me home or wait with me.
We got to the Brooklyn Bridge and started walking...me in my heels wondering how far I was going to get! At one point the concrete turns into wooden boards and my heels started getting stuck everytime I took a step. So I took off the shoes and walked barefoot. Brooklyn said this was a first for him! As we were walking, I realized something. He has the same structure as my brother, I mean at times it was kind of like the same! Okay, that wierded me out a little!! We walked all the way until the 2nd pillar and then turned around to walk back. He was pointing out all these places to me and pointed out where the towers were. I said oh, thats Midtown right? He burst out laughing and was like wow, you really are clueless aren't you? Haha :)
Halfway back we sat down at these benches. It was such a beautiful view of the city. We ended up sitting there and talking for a long time. We talked about some of the people we dated in the past and I was telling him about some of the things that were important to me. As we were talking I started wondering/realizing...OMG, am I looking for someone just like Eagle?! I couldnt believe how much as I was talking (and he couldnt believe it either)! But then he was like you like to talk, don't you? To hear yourself talk? Haha :) As we sat there I wasn't feeling that initial attraction and excitement as when I first saw him- I don't know if it was because I was tired/it was so late or because maybe it wasn't there?! Either way, I was enjoying myself and being there with him and talking to him (which has got to count for something!) so I didnt give it much thought.
Around 4am or so we started walking again down the bridge. And of course...it starts pouring rain!!! We are soaked, I mean soaked. We finally get under this structure to get a cab and he looks at me and says I like your hair wet like that, you look nice. I just smiled and said no I don't! But of course it was nice to hear. When we got to his car he insisted on driving me home considering how wet we are. I didnt resist too much because I couldn't imagine sitting in a cold train like that. Brooklyn was super sweet and drove me home and kept offering me an extra shirt he had in the car to help me get more comfortable. He asked me if I had a good time and I said yes, what about you? He was like, it was allright :) We got to the train station where my car was parked at 5:30am! He said this was def. the longest "meeting" he'd ever had though! We gave each other a hug goodbye and he started on his drive home (which by the way, he lives like 10 minutes outside of the city so he came a long way to drop me!)
So that was my date with Brooklyn! I realized we don't have a lot in common (in terms of our interests) but I'd still go out with him again....let's see what happens....! As he kept telling me, "there's just something about you"....well, maybe there's just something about him?!
So we finally had our first date. According to Brooklyn this was just a "meeting" since he doesn't ask a girl on a date until he's at least met her. Fine, call it what you want! He quickly discovered I enjoyed wining & dining...and made it clear to me that that is not how he is. I said that's fine, I'm open to new experiences :) Then he spends all this time to find a nice restaurant in NJ to meet me at :) I thought going to NY would be more fun (I know, I know!) and he asks me if I've ever walked across the Brooklyn Bridge. I hadn't...and in my mind I was liking the sound of how romantic that could be!
I took the train into NY but told him I had a curfew of 1:30am which was the last train back :) When the conductor said "hey pretty lady" to me when he came by to get my ticket, I was feeling it was going to be a good night! Maybe I'm just feeling more confident these days and its apparent in the way I carry myself - I definetly have noticed a difference in how I feel and people's reactions to me.
As I got off the train and was walking towards him and his car, I noticed he was tall. As I got closer and saw his face, I thought to myself "he's cute!". What a relief! :) He was bigger than I had thought but he was cute so I decided to see how things went. We immediately continued to have the ease of conversation in person that we had in the car and he even commented on how easily it transitioned, like this wasn't the first time we were meeting. I def. felt some attraction from both our sides. He looks at me and says you're a total girly girl aren't you? I laughed and said not at all, but sometimes I like to be.
We had dinner at this restaurant in the village and sat outside. I can always tell if a guy is interested because he'll order vegetarian food with me so we can share. Brooklyn ordered Salmon. BUT as he was eating he realized it probably bothered me and felt bad and said he should have ordered something else. Okay, the fact that he even said something was sweet. Then he was like can I give you a compliment? I just looked at him and said I don't know, I dont take them very well :) He was like yeah, I noticed that on the phone. He tells me I look a lot younger than my age. Now that I can hear and smile about - what woman doesn't want to hear that! Then he tells me that I'm very attractive. At one point some guy tells the hostess she's very pretty and Brooklyn looks at me and says oh, I thought he was talking to you! I just gave him this look and he starts laughing and says what, you didnt like that? :)
We end up hanging out at the restaurant for awhile...because our waiter never comes by with the check! We even considered just getting up and leaving at one point! :) He tells me that I was quieter in person and that he felt like he was doing a lot of the talking (which I tried to change after he said that). I just looked at him and he's like damn, your eyes are piercing when you look at someone. Haha! I was talking...and observing. Brooklyn grew up in...Brooklyn. So he does have a little of that Brooklyn attitude and way of talking. Never gone out with anyone like that before. And for anyone that watches General Hospital - he went to high school in Bensenhurst! I didnt even know that was a real place :) I let him know that was where my gangster was from in my favorite soap :) Also as we sat over dinner it was bothering me a little that he was a little on the bigger side, esp. in his face. By no means is he huge, he's a 6 feet guy with some extra weight.
Anyway, then we went for drinks. As we're talking he starts laughing and tells me I have the voice of a little girl. I was like what?! He tells me he thinks its cute though. Great! I couldn't really finish my drink as I was starting to get sleepy. We realize that we'd have to skip the Brooklyn Bridge if I wanted to catch my train. I really wanted to go, as did he, so we're both like fine, we'll figure it out. I told him I thought there was a 6am train I could catch and he said he wasn't going to let me wait by myself in the train station until 6am and if anything he'd drive me home or wait with me.
We got to the Brooklyn Bridge and started walking...me in my heels wondering how far I was going to get! At one point the concrete turns into wooden boards and my heels started getting stuck everytime I took a step. So I took off the shoes and walked barefoot. Brooklyn said this was a first for him! As we were walking, I realized something. He has the same structure as my brother, I mean at times it was kind of like the same! Okay, that wierded me out a little!! We walked all the way until the 2nd pillar and then turned around to walk back. He was pointing out all these places to me and pointed out where the towers were. I said oh, thats Midtown right? He burst out laughing and was like wow, you really are clueless aren't you? Haha :)
Halfway back we sat down at these benches. It was such a beautiful view of the city. We ended up sitting there and talking for a long time. We talked about some of the people we dated in the past and I was telling him about some of the things that were important to me. As we were talking I started wondering/realizing...OMG, am I looking for someone just like Eagle?! I couldnt believe how much as I was talking (and he couldnt believe it either)! But then he was like you like to talk, don't you? To hear yourself talk? Haha :) As we sat there I wasn't feeling that initial attraction and excitement as when I first saw him- I don't know if it was because I was tired/it was so late or because maybe it wasn't there?! Either way, I was enjoying myself and being there with him and talking to him (which has got to count for something!) so I didnt give it much thought.
Around 4am or so we started walking again down the bridge. And of course...it starts pouring rain!!! We are soaked, I mean soaked. We finally get under this structure to get a cab and he looks at me and says I like your hair wet like that, you look nice. I just smiled and said no I don't! But of course it was nice to hear. When we got to his car he insisted on driving me home considering how wet we are. I didnt resist too much because I couldn't imagine sitting in a cold train like that. Brooklyn was super sweet and drove me home and kept offering me an extra shirt he had in the car to help me get more comfortable. He asked me if I had a good time and I said yes, what about you? He was like, it was allright :) We got to the train station where my car was parked at 5:30am! He said this was def. the longest "meeting" he'd ever had though! We gave each other a hug goodbye and he started on his drive home (which by the way, he lives like 10 minutes outside of the city so he came a long way to drop me!)
So that was my date with Brooklyn! I realized we don't have a lot in common (in terms of our interests) but I'd still go out with him again....let's see what happens....! As he kept telling me, "there's just something about you"....well, maybe there's just something about him?!
Thursday, July 9, 2009
My Epiphany
I am the center of my world (as are most people probably, but me perhaps a little moreso) and I need someone else's world to revolve around me too, even if just a portion of it. In order for this to ever happen, I need to find "my person", and even though I dont know who he is or where he is, sometimes I really miss him. Especially when I'm feeling alone.
A few months ago I found out I was going to need surgery. Nothing life-threatening, but I've never had surgery before and there were moments when I was really scared and felt like I had no one to talk to. There was one night in particular when I first found out that I remember being home by myself and just curling up on the sofa and feeling so alone, wishing I had a boyfriend or husband who was going to listen to every little thought running through my head, who was going to care as much as I cared about my fears. My friends were great - when they knew I really needed to talk, they let their kids whine and cry in the background and told me to just keep on talking. It was super sweet of them to listen, and I learned to keep talking through screams for mommy's attention. But I didnt have my "own person" who I could just turn to in any given moment, at any time of the day or night, that was available when I needed to talk - and I missed it a lot at that time.
I had my surgery last week, and thank God, everything is fine and this past week I have been home recovering. And now here I am again today, missing "my person". People always say not to have expectations because when you do, you just get disappointed. Maybe I shouldn't have them but in the back of my head I know I have expectations of those close to me because I feel like I always make an effort to be there for them. But that is my choice, I can't expect that from them, not now, not when everyone's lives have gotten so busy with their own families. In my head I know that, its my heart that sometimes takes time to catch up. I haven't had an engagement party or a wedding or baby shower or my kid's first birthday party. And even though its not a good one, this was a "major" event in my life - and I thought all those close to me would come visit me or at least send a card to say "Get Well Soon" - something, anything. And not just my close Indian friends, my American friends too. Don't get me wrong - everyone close to me has called multiple times to check in on me and see how I'm doing and that has meant so much to me. My parents haven't left me alone for a minute. One friend drove over an hour to come visit and one cousin's family came. It felt so nice to have them over. Maybe more people will stop by this weekend because it is a weekend and its easier, who knows. Part of me doesn't care anymore - its not like anyone proactively called to say they wanted to come by this weekend. I sound mad, don't I? I am mad - I'm mad at myself for expecting it, not from any one person, but worse - from everyone. Maybe its because multiple people told me they were coming by, and they didn't show. Maybe I'm just disappointed. Maybe all my meds just have me super emotional. Why can't the fact that people call me to check in on me be enough? The fact that they are thinking of me and taking time to call and get updates - showing that they care, thats whats important - I am the one being selfish, wanting more. I guess this was such a traumatic experience for me that I felt like I needed that little bit of extra in-person attention. It's why right now, I am mad. I am mad I being like this. I am mad I am making this an issue, even if just to myself. I am mad that "my person" is not here. Maybe if I had that person who loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me - if he was here, I wouldn't feel like I needed anyone else. He, and the family that we would build, along with my immediate family, would be enough.
As for now, I need to get over myself. Just because my world revolves around me, doesn't mean anyone else's does. And its not going to, not until 'my person' finally surfaces. My epiphany? It happened as I was writing this - even though its been a fact for awhile, I'm finally getting that everyone else has their own families that their world revolves around. My friends and I, at one point in our lives, our worlds did completely mesh. While unfortunately things haven't moved on for me, they have for everyone around me. I finally, finally get what that sometimes will translate into. And now that I get it, its not so bad. I am so grateful for the family and friends I do have, the people who mean so much to me. And judging by the number of people that keep checking in on me, whether they stop by or not, I know that I mean just as much to them.
Epiphanies are a good thing. Mine has really helped put things into perspective for me and helped me realize where the value in something truly lies.
A few months ago I found out I was going to need surgery. Nothing life-threatening, but I've never had surgery before and there were moments when I was really scared and felt like I had no one to talk to. There was one night in particular when I first found out that I remember being home by myself and just curling up on the sofa and feeling so alone, wishing I had a boyfriend or husband who was going to listen to every little thought running through my head, who was going to care as much as I cared about my fears. My friends were great - when they knew I really needed to talk, they let their kids whine and cry in the background and told me to just keep on talking. It was super sweet of them to listen, and I learned to keep talking through screams for mommy's attention. But I didnt have my "own person" who I could just turn to in any given moment, at any time of the day or night, that was available when I needed to talk - and I missed it a lot at that time.
I had my surgery last week, and thank God, everything is fine and this past week I have been home recovering. And now here I am again today, missing "my person". People always say not to have expectations because when you do, you just get disappointed. Maybe I shouldn't have them but in the back of my head I know I have expectations of those close to me because I feel like I always make an effort to be there for them. But that is my choice, I can't expect that from them, not now, not when everyone's lives have gotten so busy with their own families. In my head I know that, its my heart that sometimes takes time to catch up. I haven't had an engagement party or a wedding or baby shower or my kid's first birthday party. And even though its not a good one, this was a "major" event in my life - and I thought all those close to me would come visit me or at least send a card to say "Get Well Soon" - something, anything. And not just my close Indian friends, my American friends too. Don't get me wrong - everyone close to me has called multiple times to check in on me and see how I'm doing and that has meant so much to me. My parents haven't left me alone for a minute. One friend drove over an hour to come visit and one cousin's family came. It felt so nice to have them over. Maybe more people will stop by this weekend because it is a weekend and its easier, who knows. Part of me doesn't care anymore - its not like anyone proactively called to say they wanted to come by this weekend. I sound mad, don't I? I am mad - I'm mad at myself for expecting it, not from any one person, but worse - from everyone. Maybe its because multiple people told me they were coming by, and they didn't show. Maybe I'm just disappointed. Maybe all my meds just have me super emotional. Why can't the fact that people call me to check in on me be enough? The fact that they are thinking of me and taking time to call and get updates - showing that they care, thats whats important - I am the one being selfish, wanting more. I guess this was such a traumatic experience for me that I felt like I needed that little bit of extra in-person attention. It's why right now, I am mad. I am mad I being like this. I am mad I am making this an issue, even if just to myself. I am mad that "my person" is not here. Maybe if I had that person who loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me - if he was here, I wouldn't feel like I needed anyone else. He, and the family that we would build, along with my immediate family, would be enough.
As for now, I need to get over myself. Just because my world revolves around me, doesn't mean anyone else's does. And its not going to, not until 'my person' finally surfaces. My epiphany? It happened as I was writing this - even though its been a fact for awhile, I'm finally getting that everyone else has their own families that their world revolves around. My friends and I, at one point in our lives, our worlds did completely mesh. While unfortunately things haven't moved on for me, they have for everyone around me. I finally, finally get what that sometimes will translate into. And now that I get it, its not so bad. I am so grateful for the family and friends I do have, the people who mean so much to me. And judging by the number of people that keep checking in on me, whether they stop by or not, I know that I mean just as much to them.
Epiphanies are a good thing. Mine has really helped put things into perspective for me and helped me realize where the value in something truly lies.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Unexpected Twist
In general, I usually don't talk to guys from California. There's the 3 hour time difference plus the fact that you'd hardly get to see each other on a regular basis. Yet I came across this one guy on the dating site that caught my eye (translation: cute) and we started talking.
The conversations initially were actually really good. I never felt the time difference because he always went out of his way to talk to me - if I called on my drive home from work, he'd find somewhere in his office he could get some privacy and talk to me even though it might just be late afternoon for him. He had a deep voice that I instantly became attracted to. And to top it off, he was in the midst of finalizing an offer on the East Coast, just an hour from where I lived. All the more incentive for me to get to know this guy now!
As I said, our conversations were really good...initially. At some point I noticed him being "short" with me sometimes. Once we got into this discussion and we both had strong opposing viewpoints (about a rather silly topic) - well believe it or not, the way he started talking down to me actually made me cry (I was so surprised by his tone, but they were silent tears - he had no idea). My gaurds went up but not wanting to base anything on one not so great conversation when the others had been good, I continued talking to him. For the most part our chats from there on were just fine, but stories he would tell me flagged for me that he may have some anger issues and I wasn't sure I wanted to go down that path. And therein lies this feeling sometimes of not just walking away and giving everyone a chance since I feel like I have to and I should or I'll never get married. Especially because I know I'm naive and try and see the best in everyone.
I was really pushing for us to meet --- phone calls are only going to get you so far and I've been in that situation too many times when everything clicks on the phone and there's no chemistry in person. About 2 months after we started talking his interview was scheduled - he would be in the area for two days and we decided to meet up one of the nights.
A few days before we were going to meet up (and I was actually looking forward to finally just meeting) he dropped a bombshell on me. He tells me he's a cancer survivor. It kind of just came out. He really did not mean to tell me on the phone, he was going to tell me in person. Shocked is an understatement. I had a lot of questions and I was amazed by his maturity in that he answered all of them, very openly. He's been in remission for more than 10 years which is a great sign and he expects to be fine. I wasn't really sure how I felt (especially because I have seen other people close to me suffer in a bad way due to illnesses and wasn't sure I could willingly sign up for that) but I figured I'd let it sink in for a few days and see how it was when I met him.
Well when we met, he didnt exactly look like his picture....and I wasn't attracted to him, at all. Over dinner I could tell he liked me. He asked me if I had anymore questions about his illness. He told me he thought his 'anger issues' where somewhat linked to all he went through. My heart went out to him. I can't imagine what he and his family have gone through. He was easy to talk to and I could see us being friends if he moved to the area, but that was it. When I was dropping him back to his hotel, in the car he was saying how we should get together again soon and spend more time together - that he can come back or I should go see him. I didnt really say anything. I finally told him that he knew I had concerns about the way we got along (which I had mentioned a few times in terms of the way he talked to me) and that I just wasn't sure. He said he knows he has things he needs to work on but would like to give this a chance. After I dropped him off he called me while I was driving home. I said a few more times that at this point I just wasnt sure (and I emphasized it was due only to the way we got along). A few days later we were talking on the phone and I made it clear that I was only interested in being friends. I think he was disappointed but understood. We still keep in touch sporadically.
Finally, someone that seems like he was so into me. Sucks that it wasn't mutual. I learned a lot about myself through this experience though. What I am and am not open to. What I should not put up with. What I should and should not compromise on. And what's really important to me in a relationship.
The conversations initially were actually really good. I never felt the time difference because he always went out of his way to talk to me - if I called on my drive home from work, he'd find somewhere in his office he could get some privacy and talk to me even though it might just be late afternoon for him. He had a deep voice that I instantly became attracted to. And to top it off, he was in the midst of finalizing an offer on the East Coast, just an hour from where I lived. All the more incentive for me to get to know this guy now!
As I said, our conversations were really good...initially. At some point I noticed him being "short" with me sometimes. Once we got into this discussion and we both had strong opposing viewpoints (about a rather silly topic) - well believe it or not, the way he started talking down to me actually made me cry (I was so surprised by his tone, but they were silent tears - he had no idea). My gaurds went up but not wanting to base anything on one not so great conversation when the others had been good, I continued talking to him. For the most part our chats from there on were just fine, but stories he would tell me flagged for me that he may have some anger issues and I wasn't sure I wanted to go down that path. And therein lies this feeling sometimes of not just walking away and giving everyone a chance since I feel like I have to and I should or I'll never get married. Especially because I know I'm naive and try and see the best in everyone.
I was really pushing for us to meet --- phone calls are only going to get you so far and I've been in that situation too many times when everything clicks on the phone and there's no chemistry in person. About 2 months after we started talking his interview was scheduled - he would be in the area for two days and we decided to meet up one of the nights.
A few days before we were going to meet up (and I was actually looking forward to finally just meeting) he dropped a bombshell on me. He tells me he's a cancer survivor. It kind of just came out. He really did not mean to tell me on the phone, he was going to tell me in person. Shocked is an understatement. I had a lot of questions and I was amazed by his maturity in that he answered all of them, very openly. He's been in remission for more than 10 years which is a great sign and he expects to be fine. I wasn't really sure how I felt (especially because I have seen other people close to me suffer in a bad way due to illnesses and wasn't sure I could willingly sign up for that) but I figured I'd let it sink in for a few days and see how it was when I met him.
Well when we met, he didnt exactly look like his picture....and I wasn't attracted to him, at all. Over dinner I could tell he liked me. He asked me if I had anymore questions about his illness. He told me he thought his 'anger issues' where somewhat linked to all he went through. My heart went out to him. I can't imagine what he and his family have gone through. He was easy to talk to and I could see us being friends if he moved to the area, but that was it. When I was dropping him back to his hotel, in the car he was saying how we should get together again soon and spend more time together - that he can come back or I should go see him. I didnt really say anything. I finally told him that he knew I had concerns about the way we got along (which I had mentioned a few times in terms of the way he talked to me) and that I just wasn't sure. He said he knows he has things he needs to work on but would like to give this a chance. After I dropped him off he called me while I was driving home. I said a few more times that at this point I just wasnt sure (and I emphasized it was due only to the way we got along). A few days later we were talking on the phone and I made it clear that I was only interested in being friends. I think he was disappointed but understood. We still keep in touch sporadically.
Finally, someone that seems like he was so into me. Sucks that it wasn't mutual. I learned a lot about myself through this experience though. What I am and am not open to. What I should not put up with. What I should and should not compromise on. And what's really important to me in a relationship.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Will I Really Be Last?!
It's the only thing I can think of...will I really be last? On my mom's side of the family, I am the oldest amongst my cousins. My younger brother was the first to get married (his 6 year anniversary is approaching - I can't believe it - every year of their anniversary is a reminder to me of how many years have gone by that I have been single). Then a couple of my cousins followed. I looked at who was left amongst all of my cousins and figured with the age gaps - the next cousins being more than 5 years younger than me, I HAD to be next. I kept thinking please, please let me be next.
Well 3 of the 4 cousins that are still single are all in their mid to late 20's and guess what? They aren't so young anymore. Some are dating someone seriously, some are dating, and some who knows. All I know is that it is likely that there may be weddings before mine. The likelihood of that for some reason gives me that pit in your stomach feeling. Will I really be last?! Will I be big enough to put my personal feelings aside, once again, to be happy for those that mean so much to me in my life and truly and selflessly be able to celebrate with them? Will I be able to smile for them and get away without anyone noticing the sadness in my own eyes?
My hormones are on overdrive at the moment (gotta love being a woman) so I know that all of this may not hold 100% true a week from now. But for some reason tonight, right now, I can't stop wondering if I will be last. Why me? I feel like I'm a good person and aren't good things suppose to happen to good people? I know every once in awhile (sometimes more than I'd like) I get really angry at people or yell in situations where even I realize it wasn't necessary. Sometimes its just frustration with life finding its way out and I feel so bad/guilty afterwards because I know it stems from the feeling of a lack of control. But for the most part, on most days, I think I'm a good person that tries really hard with my family and close friends. So why me? I don't want to be last. I've waited so long, wanted for so long. I've gone to everyone's weddings and house warmings and baby showers and first birthday parties and gotten excited about 2nd pregnancies - its time - I want to be next. I don't want to wait anymore. I'm tired of missing out on the life that everyone around me seems to enjoy so effortlessly. I have so much love to give. So much. So tell me, why has it been so hard? When am I finally going to find someone who will love me?
Well 3 of the 4 cousins that are still single are all in their mid to late 20's and guess what? They aren't so young anymore. Some are dating someone seriously, some are dating, and some who knows. All I know is that it is likely that there may be weddings before mine. The likelihood of that for some reason gives me that pit in your stomach feeling. Will I really be last?! Will I be big enough to put my personal feelings aside, once again, to be happy for those that mean so much to me in my life and truly and selflessly be able to celebrate with them? Will I be able to smile for them and get away without anyone noticing the sadness in my own eyes?
My hormones are on overdrive at the moment (gotta love being a woman) so I know that all of this may not hold 100% true a week from now. But for some reason tonight, right now, I can't stop wondering if I will be last. Why me? I feel like I'm a good person and aren't good things suppose to happen to good people? I know every once in awhile (sometimes more than I'd like) I get really angry at people or yell in situations where even I realize it wasn't necessary. Sometimes its just frustration with life finding its way out and I feel so bad/guilty afterwards because I know it stems from the feeling of a lack of control. But for the most part, on most days, I think I'm a good person that tries really hard with my family and close friends. So why me? I don't want to be last. I've waited so long, wanted for so long. I've gone to everyone's weddings and house warmings and baby showers and first birthday parties and gotten excited about 2nd pregnancies - its time - I want to be next. I don't want to wait anymore. I'm tired of missing out on the life that everyone around me seems to enjoy so effortlessly. I have so much love to give. So much. So tell me, why has it been so hard? When am I finally going to find someone who will love me?
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